Tuesday, March 04, 2008

A Mormon Guide to Overcoming Masturbation, or How to avoid Self-Love

Are you concerned about the tussle with your muscle? Fortunately, here's a Mormon guide to Overcoming Masturbation (although to be accurate, it should really be called undercoming).
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to controll your thinking and overcome the temptation).

6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

7. Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere. Never read about your problem (even on sites claiming to be "educational"). Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books, scriptures, talks of church leaders. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for members of your family who need help. Pray for your friends, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.

If getting rid of all your horny friends, investing in the most impenetrable pajamas known to man, eating til you weigh a thousand pounds, and fully repressing any and all normal desires haven't stopped you from spanking your monkey, don't despair. You can avoid walking Willie, the one eyed wonder worm, by, um, thinking of worms:
In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. It sounds goofy, but it actually works!

Once it starts producing the "lifegiving substance", you better keep your hands off your "little factory":
Sometimes a young man does not understand. Perhaps he is encouraged by unwise or unworthy companions to tamper with that factory. He might fondle himself and open that release valve. This you shouldn't do, for if you do that, the little factory will speed up. You will then be tempted again and again to release it. You can quickly be subjected to a habit, one that is not worthy, one that will leave you feeling depressed and feeling guilty. Resist that temptation. Do not be guilty of tampering or playing with this sacred power of creation. Keep it in reserve for the time when it can be righteously employed.

Chicken choking is a gateway. Did you know that jerking your johnson can quickly cause you to catch teh gay?
This habit-forming activity quickly leads to other activities such as viewing pornography and participating in homosexual activities.

Fortunately there are many other ways to protect your dolphin from being flogged. And kids, don't forget to say no to pornaaaaaawgraphy.
Via The Friendly Atheist


The Mound of Sound said...

Jen, that's beyond hilarious. You lifted me out of my funk and I thank you. I followed your link to the Morm page and wasn't sure what to make of their plea to "Make Your Donation Today."

Notice the image above that ad and overlay it on the most known picture of Abu Ghraib. All that's missing are a couple of electrodes.

Anyway, thanks for the giggle.

p.s. Before I go, I really want you opinion on the emerging "reproductive outsourcing" industry. This is a subject that deserves some intelligent discourse.



The Mound of Sound said...

I forgot to mention there are two items, one a survey, on my blog. Hope you can check them out.

Anonymous said...

I no longer use my hands for evil.

I suggest that men use an electric back massager to relax themselves. It works for me. I no longer use my hands and I feel great!

As a sidenote: never stand facing the out-take water jet at the public swimming pool.

skdadl said...

Y'know, I wouldn't have been thinking of this except for those repeated caps: KEEP IT OUT OF YOUR MIND!

Sort of like DON'T MENTION THE WAR! ain't it?

Must remember to shave my palms today.

Tommy Korioth said...

I am sooooo going to hell.

Red Jenny said...

If you read the (prolific) comments on the friendly atheist page, someone noticed #19 on the list is missing. The original pamphlet the tips were taken from has this tip:

19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

G. said...

They did not say I should dress myself before running out of the bathroom into a room with family members. If the sight of my own flesh is cause for arousal, surely, I would hate to do the same to my kinfolk. What if the towel was to slip off in the process? Or, what if I forget to wrap the towel around my "little factory" altogether?

Anonymous said...

I guess that all boys who had to break off friendships with other boys who have the same problem would be completely friendless (LOL).

I'm too sexy for my...whatever.

This is just a guide to control the minds of the young people of the church. I pity the young man who reads it seriously.

Mormon guys should pat the bishop on the head as much as they want to.

Romantic Heretic said...

Goddamn it! These people are trying to put me out of business!

Where's my lawyer? I'm suing for infringement of trade!

Anonymous said...

Why is this funny? Because the Mormons realize how destructive, despicable, and disgusting that act is? It is intrinsically and gravely disordered. It is not "natural", millions of people around the world don't even know what it is. It is an acquired habit caused only in places where pornography and pre-marital sex are readily available and practiced, which are mostly developed countries.

Canadu said...

You mean after all of the people God killed in the bible, he's still killing kittens? The post above mine is right: There's no porn in North Korea=no masturbation. That's why N. Korea is a beacon of morality.

James said...

i cant stop .. hope this isnt to terribly wrong ? i am Human :)