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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Whiner Files: Backpack Edition


Oh no! Not the backpacks! Grownups with backpacks - why that's nearly as bad as women who wear sneakers for their commutes. Selfish sneaker wearing women - caring about their own comfort more than they care about how their legs look to the menz.

Dude - let me 'splain. We don't have enough SPACE for everyone to drive. Some people can't even afford a car, or are too young to drive. Hence the subway. When you can't store your whole day's worth of stuff in your car, you have to carry it somehow. The backpack is the most body-friendly way to do that. If you don't like backpacks, you can carry a plastic grocery bag. And leave the rest of the backpack-toting world alone.

I find people are actually pretty careful with their backpacks and even when they aren't, if you ask them nicely to move, they cheerfully oblige. Let's practice together, in our non-bitchy voices: "Can you please move your backpack so I can sit down? Thanks."

What do people carry in their backpacks? Well, those lazy entitled students (though personally I find those whose parents drive them to school are a wee bit lazier and more entitled than those who take mass transit) usually have enough books and homework to keep them busy for 9.2 hours a day.

Now, I have shocking news. In this new age of peak oil and a warmed globe, you better get used to backpacks. Here's what I recommend: an umbrella for sudden weather changes, sweater (for the over-airconditioned buildings), wide-brimmed hat and big bottle of SPF2000 for melanoma protection. Maybe you should place the blame for the backpack scourge where it is deserved: on the shoulders of big oil.

Is there really nothing better to complain about? Like say, people starving or something? Or your favourite shampoo was discontinued? Come on.

You know what really gets me? People who say "napsack". WTF is a nap sack? Something to hold my supplies for the dream world? In conclusion, if you're going to whine about sacks or packs or backs or naps, please do not waste space in the NEWSpaper doing so. Get a blog like the rest of us.

8 comments:

hecho con jarabe del arce said...

As a selfish student, I have to say that I keep my backpack on my lap or on the floor of the bus between my feet - even when it has several hundred dollars worth of textbooks, my laptop, and my camera in it.

I am a selfish, selfish little whore. Bad me.

Scott said...

As a committed selfish non-student backpack wearer, who constantly dares to transport an umbrella and sunscreen and many books therein, and who will perservere through all attempts to shame me on this front, albeit who indeed grew up calling it a knapsack -- I think the "k" is important! -- rather than a backpack, I thank you!

Red Jenny said...

Ah, "Knapsack". with a K.

Wait... that doesn't help me at all.

What's a knap?

hecho con jarabe del arce said...

Perhaps a knap is what you do when you're ktired?

I'm having a problem in Iowa every time a store clerk asks me if I want a bag. Only instead of bag, they say "sack". This from a region with a 24hr convenience store called "Kum & Go", no less. The 5yr old in me giggles every time...

April Reign said...

origin of knapsack
Knapsack - And, no, the word "knapsack" has nothing to do with catching a few winks. It derives from the German words "knappen" (to bite) and "sack" (bag). Originally, a "knapsack" was a small bag that held a soldier's rations, i.e. a bite to eat. Another name for a knapsack is "rucksack," from the German dialect word "ruck" (back).

I use my backpack for everything including carrying the heavier groceries. I was subjected to backpack hatred the other day by a senior couple who literally pushed my young child out of the way because he was "in their way" waiting for me to put my bulging backpack on. :x

April Reign said...

oops also meant to say, writer of article is a jerk.
Oh waa waa underpaid overworked cashier doesn't act like I'm the most important thing every....but MOMMY SAID I WAS SPECIAL!!! WAA WAAA

scout said...

i don't know about toronto but in vancouver kids from middle school up have to carry all their books in their knapsacks as aren't allowed to go to their lockers between periods. cruel, very cruel.....there's so many teenagers in physiotherapy it ain't funny. and that's why you see that age bracket with knapsacks.

me? have always used one....for over 30 years. but fuckwads like kelvin probably couldn't handle the shrapnel in my eyebrow either.

bite it!

Polly Jones said...

I like to beat the crap out of motherfuckers with my backpack a la Sandra Oh in Sideways ('cept she used a motorcycle helmet).